


To Build A Home

by chemicalwave



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, TaoHun - Freeform, implied chanbaek, implied kaisoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-21 22:40:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3706531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalwave/pseuds/chemicalwave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"To build a home" is collection of memories.Is the story of a boy who became a man. Is the struggle of two lovers who couldn't do anything but hide.Is a piece of paper wet with tears. Is time spent alone. Is noises and kisses. Is a marriage proposal. Is a wooden house under the stars. This is a story about Huang Zitao and Oh Sehun. This is a story told by the man who knows how it ends but wants to make sure we all understand how it started.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You were my fire, so I burned.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah this is my first Taohun fanfiction and since I'm Italian there might be some mistakes so if you happen to find them, I'll be happy to fix them. Let me know what you think.

You were my fire, so I burned... til' there was nothing left of me  
I touched your face, I held you close... til' I could barely breathe  
-Stone Sour, Hesitate

 

Love.

We see it happen every day. We are surrounded by it. We write this word on things and give them to the people we care about. We get married in the name of it. We gave it a color, we gave it a day, we say that love is what makes our world move. Still, some people don’t truly understand it, and some people don’t feel it.

We constantly fall in love with someone. But to fall is easy, to love is not. We always mistake attraction for love and when we’re not attracted to a person anymore, we say that our love is over. That’s probably what happened to me. I never truly loved someone because I didn’t know what love was. Because of course if no one ever teaches you the colors, how can you tell them apart? You just call them colors and it doesn’t matter if it’s pink or green or blood orange. And for me it didn’t matter if it was just physical attraction, I called it love. But I was wrong. It was like calling an Akhal Teke a donkey.

When I understood what it was, I also understood why people always want it. It changes you until you’re not yourself anymore.

It changed me for good.

We don’t always realize when it starts and we never want it end. I’ve been thinking about this and I don’t recall falling in love with you. I’ve seen how it works in movies and it was nothing like what I felt. Your heart seems to stop beating for a long period of time and then it starts pumping blood faster than ever. When your eyes touch your lover’s face it becomes harder to breathe and when you get to get closer, you can feel the butterflies fly in your stomach till you can’t hear anything except their tiny wings flap, making the most absurd sound ever.

It wasn’t like that for me.

The first time I saw you, I didn’t feel Cupid’s arrow hit my heart. What I felt was relief. Your presence made my chest get warm. I was never a men who liked to bond with people, I’d rather be alone. And the few times in which I believed I was in love, I was just sharing my body with someone else. But when you walked into the room, looking like you were about to spend the most boring day ever, something inside me moved and melted the ice that covered my heart. And what I felt wasn’t butterflies but cold water flowing down my body; icy water, so unexpected that made me shiver. It made me aware of what I was feeling. It made me aware that I was feeling, for the first time.

It was like there was something under that layer of ice, next to my heart. It felt like you had always been there. It was like I had forgotten about you and then found you again.

Loving you was something that was born with me.

I could feel my heart missing you without even knowing your name. I realized I was dying and you became my defibrillator, you gave my body the chance to function again. For that I’m grateful, and I’ll probably never be enough.  
It was difficult to accept it: you were a boy, just like me and it was scary as hell to think about people calling us names or worst, hurt you. I kept it secret as long as I could for this reason, but it was not easy.

Sometimes I looked at you standing across the room and bit my lip. Of course you never noticed, because when you practiced you weren’t yourself: the curious, nosy troublemaker. In those moments you could switch off the kid in you and become the professional dancer that was hiding behind that childish smile. I loved the way you stared at yourself in the mirror while your body moved to the music and I understand why you never took your eyes off yourself because I also couldn’t stop looking at you.  
The way your hands drew circles in the hair, the way your legs carried your weight around and your face wearing always the same facial expression were like poison to me. A poison I was willing to drink. Looking at you was like sitting in front of a candy shop when you’re a diabetic child. It hurt. I wanted you so badly but I was aware that having you was going to be the death of me and everything I was. Because I wasn’t like that. I never found myself thinking about my future with someone, about tracing age wrinkles on someone’s forehead.

Still, every night you were in my dreams, telling me things I wanted to escape from your pink lips, holding me in your arms. You were slowly becoming my secret obsession and I had never heard you call my name. And of course I could never muster up the nerve to say ‘hello’, to even casually sit next to you.

I couldn’t bring myself to get to know you and I would have sold my soul to hold your hand. There was something stopping me and I could feel it place a knife between my ribs every time I wanted to say a word to you. I couldn’t be myself in that country, that much was certain. The fear of ‘us’ not being possible because of the law was ripping me apart.

“Even if I speak to him, even if he accepts me, we’ll never be together.” This is what I thought every day. I had to find a way to forget about you, or else I would have fallen to pieces.

Then you changed room in which to practice for a few days and I realized I was cold. The lack of you around me made me realize that I loved you so much that it hurt my head. And it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt. I hated myself for falling in love with you and I loved the way your eyes looked when the light hit them. I hated myself for running like crazy to just walk nonchalantly behind you and I loved the way you fixed your hair when the wind messed it up. There were so many things I loved about you and I hated the fact that I couldn’t stop finding new ones. You didn’t know about this and you probably still don’t.

But when I look at you sleep, I realize I want you to feel loved and it takes me a bit to show you that what I feel for you is indeed love. It was love since the beginning and you deserve to know that. I wanted to tell you about this but I never got the chance to. I want you to know that to me you are special and handsome because it’s painful to hear you say you’re not. This occasion is probably the best moment to tell you.  
I never felt the butterflies in my stomach, I never found it difficult to breathe, but I learned to love you nonetheless, so fast that I couldn’t believe it.

And now I’m going to tell a story that for me is the most important one: ours.


	2. The world is just an illusion, trying to change you.

Please don't go, I want you to stay  
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here  
I don't want you to hate;  
For all the hurt that you feel,  
The world is just illusion, trying to change you.  
-VNV Nation, Illusion  
\--  
When SM Entertainment casted me, I was the happiest I had ever been. I passed all three auditions and I was feeling confident. I could finally show my family I could be more than just a kid who did well in school; I could grow to be an idol. The biggest problem was moving to Korea and leave my parents in China. I missed them already when I sat on the plane seat. It hurt to say goodbye but in my heart I knew that it was for the best. It was a great opportunity for me.

I left all distractions behind because I had to train hard and become a better me: a me that deserved to be someone. I was so full of myself back then that it’s almost funny now. It was good, however, to have faith in myself because that’s what led me to where I am today.

Since I couldn’t speak any Korean, it was difficult for me to communicate with the other trainees and I honestly didn’t feel the need to. Even so, I studied hard every night to manage to do nothing more than small talk. After all, my main goal, at the start, was to train, not to make friends. I ended up speaking with some of the Chinese guys anyway. One of them was especially kind and I really liked him, his name was Zhang Yixing. Since we spoke the same language it was almost inevitable to share a word with him sometimes but most of the times we would be next to each other in silence, enjoying it as if it were a bottle of fresh water in the desert, because it really was, especially in the dorms.

It was nice to have found someone like him. Someone who didn’t feel the need to always talk.

Sometimes I was bullied. But it was nothing special. People would simply refer to me as ‘a waste of space and money’ because I was Chinese and I still had a lot to learn while other trainees seemed to be already very good. The staff knew more or less who was mean and who was not, so those people were not going anywhere. They also told me that you shouldn’t get close to anyone because you might not debut with them and pay attention, because just by walking in one room you could sense the tension and competitiveness. I had seen al lot of people gave up in just the first two months. They couldn’t technically give up so they just started to come to practice less and started to act differently.

There was this guy, Kim Junmyeon, who was really amazing. He was a crybaby but he never gave up. He had been training for six years by that point and he never stopped having faith in what he was doing. He was really an inspiration to all of us.  
It all seemed to go pretty well in the end: my Korean was improving (slowly, but still), and so was my dancing. I had few people I could call friends and my future was getting brighter.  
Then you walked in.

Everything overshadowed. As you started to practice in our same room my mind started wandering and I tripped on my own feet. I remember all the heads turning around to look at me sitting on the floor, except yours. You kept staring at yourself in the mirror and I realized I liked your skin more than anything; I needed your lips more than water. I never considered liking a guy, maybe because I just couldn’t think of myself with someone. I liked to use people and then throw them away if that can be said. I never really had a stable friendship and I wasn’t planning on having one. But when I saw the way you laughed with your closest friends, the way you pushed them playfully, I changed my mind. I was attracted to you in a weird way, never experienced before. Short confused dreams of laced fingers and warm nights were the first things invading my head in the morning and the last ones before falling asleep.

Sometimes when I went out to eat with the Chinese guys, you happened to walk nearby on your own, just enjoying some fresh air. It seemed like you didn’t need company to feel good because I saw you smiling in silence a couple of times, while strolling alone. But most of the times you weren’t alone. You had a lot of friends that liked you and laughed with you. I would have killed to be one of them.

“He’s a really good dancer.” Yixing said casually, when he noticed I had been looking at you for too long. He said it with a flat tone and kept stretching his legs, not giving too much importance to his statement. I couldn’t see him from my position but I was sure he was looking at me, so I just looked elsewhere.

“He is.” I simply answered, trying to keep my gaze on my reflection. I think he knew all along, but he never said a word. He’s a good person, that Yixing, maybe one of the nicest I’ve ever met in my whole life. I wasn’t expecting to bond with him; our friendship was unexpected and extraordinary too. He never failed to make me smile even though he didn’t consider himself a funny person.

I guess sometimes people don’t realize how great they are and don’t acknowledge their qualities and that’s a shame. I wanted to tell him he was indeed the funniest person I had ever had the pleasure to know and I wanted to tell you that you were doing well when you looked at your reflection angrily, disappointed by your movements and started the dance step again, because it was true. I never lied to you.  
You always aimed for perfection and never realized you had achieved it long time ago.

If I had told you you were perfect, you would have said that it was only in my eyes. And it was true, when I looked at you I saw perfection, but I never see things that are not there. I was blinded by love but perfect, was what you were.  
Every day was heavier than the previous one and I carried my fatigue under my eyes and so did you. Your body became heavier and your hands didn’t move the same way as before. It broke my heart to see you give up and lay on the floor trying not to drown in your sweat. So I decided to buy you Bubble Tea to cheer you up, because I heard you loved it. I held it in my hands for half an hour before leaving it in front of your room. I knocked and run away. I felt so stupid. I even wrote a little note that said something like ‘cheer up, smile again’ on it. I probably even misspelled some words.

I was listening to music when someone patted me on the shoulder. I jumped a little and a high pitched scream came out of my mouth. I was so jumpy back then; every muscle of my body was extremely tense. When I turned around I had to think if what was happening was not a product of my dreams.

“Thanks.” You said with your hand still on my shoulder. All that area was burning like the sun.

“What?” I muttered, probably not sounding too bright.

“The Bubble Tea. It was you, right?” You said and smiled, just like I asked you to. You smiled after a shitty month just because I wrote ‘smile again’ to you. I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just nodded.

“You even got my favorite flavor right. How did you know?” You said and it wasn’t easy at all to stop myself from touching your bare arms.

“I guessed.” I answered honestly. Of course you liked chocolate, just like every kid on this planet.

You smiled again and removed your hand from my sweaty t-shirt. The warmth left with your skin.

“I’m Sehun by the way, nice to meet you…?” I couldn’t understand everything that came out of your mouth because I still had to practice my Korean but I understood that you wanted to know my name and I felt happy. My body seemed to regain energy and my legs were not weak anymore.

“Zitao. Nice to meet you.” I said trying to look as cool as possible. You looked happy too but I knew our happiness was different. You left soon after thanking me again and I still had a question hanging from my lips. How did you know it was me? I was so scared you had noticed me staring at you and I was afraid you thought I was a creep. But I was glad that I got to hear you say your name even though I already knew it. People were always calling you and your name echoed in every room. You thanked me for a damn Bubble Tea and I silently thanked one of your friends for randomly bringing up the fact that you liked it.

After twelve months of sweat and aching legs it was that time of the year again. Everyone waited patiently even though anxiety was slowly choking us by gripping our throats. December was almost over and the cold clung to my bones and it seemed to never leave. We waited days and days to just know if we could be potential members of something.

I personally kept my hopes low since I had trained for barely a year and the language and dancing and singing wasn’t that great. All the people in my group we chosen as potential members and we were trying to be happy while also trying not to get too excited because we were aware that not all of us were going to be chosen. Yixing was beyond nervous.

The first member to be chosen was Kim Jongin and I knew him because he was short-tempered but at the same time one of the best. I personally preferred Yixing’s style to his when it came to dancing but who was I to judge this decision?   
Then another guy, named Lu Han debuted and I saw a little spark of hope because he was Chinese just like me. I was never lucky before, but I guess I can say that my luck started to show up from that day.

When my manager called me and I was told that I was going to be the third member of EXO I thought I heard my chest break. I couldn’t believe it. The first thing I did was telling it to the Korean trainees that bullied me. Showing off wasn’t a good idea, but I was still a kid with a ton of terribly bad ideas.

I wanted Yixing to debut too because he deserved it and I didn’t want you to. I know it might sound a little selfish but I knew that being next to you like that, would have meant surrendering to you in every way.  
Sometimes I couldn’t accept the fact that I couldn’t look at a girl the same way I looked at you. The feeling of being different burned in my heart and it hurt to know that I had to medicate that burn on my own.

Few days after that I received a call from Yixing who sounded the happiest he had ever been and told me that his grandparents were extremely proud of him. Even though I didn’t let it show, I was proud of him too. He was happy to be part of EXO and exited for the future.

You were chosen soon after him and I didn’t know what to feel. My body was itching with excitement and I couldn’t stop cursing Fate for giving me such a complicated task; I had to keep my distance. I couldn’t feed that part of myself that I considered immoral. Loving you was wrong on so many levels and so was not keeping you in my heart because you’ve been the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

As the days passed we were introduced to the new members and the project of the band and I learned that we were going to be in different groups. You were going to be a member of K and me of M. We had been given new names and I was glad they didn’t change yours. I was going to be called Tao. It was not bad. Yixing sometimes had problems remembering his and it was funny seeing his face go blank just after realizing that he had stuttered.

The first years we were always far because of our activities. I would sometimes buy you Bubble Tea and you would thank me. Your smile was what made up for all the hours of heavy training. Your hand on my shoulder was what made it harder for me not to kiss you.  
There was this night, I remember, during our break from the schedule, in which I sat on the bench just outside our dorm. The air was chilly and I couldn’t sleep. I had danced for so long that my body forgot to be tired. So I just sat there alone, looking at the clouds changing in shape and color, counting the stars that were shining above me and they all looked you. In every constellation I could see your eyes, your nose, your hands, your lips. I wanted to grab them and put them in my pocket so I could just take them out when I couldn’t look at you, when I needed you the most. I prayed the stars to give you anything you wanted, to make you happy because that kind of life had spoiled you. There was no time to be happy and I prayed the stars every night to put a smile on your lips once in a while. I prayed for my family too, because I missed them so bad.

And then something great happened. A warm clothed hand brushed my shoulder and I knew it was you. Without hesitation you took the place next to me and handed me a denim jacket. It smelled like you.  
Silence followed and we looked at the sky together. You asked me if I knew any constellation and I said that no, I didn’t know any. Your voice was so low and small as if you didn’t want anyone but me to listen.  
No one was listening.

Your face looked like the surface of a snowy garden. The moonlight made it extremely pale and the snow was covering the flowers. But it was going to be spring again soon, and the flowers were going to bloom on your face, and you were going to be you again.

I just had to wait for spring to come.

“You know what I’ve always dreamed of when I was little?” You suddenly asked, finally facing me. It was weird hearing you say these things considering the fact that we never went beyond ‘hi’, ‘how are you’, ‘thanks’.  
“I don’t.” I answered you, waiting for you to tell me.

“When I was a kid I wanted to live on a star.” You whispered in my ear and I tried my best to stay still and not turn around. Asking you why was the only thing I came up with. You went back to looking at the dark blue sky.  
“I wanted to own one so I could have a place to call mine. I used to say that I was going to build a house for my family so we could live there, together.” A smile was forming on your face and you looked at your lap, embarrassed.  
“I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.” You said and fixed your hair with your right hand. “But it’s like I know you, it’s like I knew you all along and forgot about you and now here you are and I feel like it’s been a long time and I’m starting to remember what you feel like.” Your words flew with the leaves all around us and they bounced on every wall and tree and light pole before hitting me hard in the chest. You felt the same way I felt but I still couldn’t find the words to tell you that.  
And the world kept spinning, the starts were still decorating the dark sky, your hands were cold and so were mine.

I wanted to touch your exposed neck, fell your skin heat up under my hands, taste your lips and store that flavor in my brain so I could always remember it. I still remember it; most of the times you tasted like chocolate Bubble Tea and even though I never really enjoyed that drink, I loved when I could feel it on your tongue.

You’ve grown up and taste different now.

And I still treasure your kisses, just like I used to do when I thought they were going to be the last ones, even if I know they’re not.

I still stare at you undress. Your bare chest is a map I know by heart and every time, I try to find new places but end up in the same ones. I know which roads you like best. I know which spots make you arch your back and look at me with those wild eyes. I know everything about you, now.  
But back then, I knew nothing.

When I tried to get closer to you, at first you didn’t move. Your eyes were studying my movements and as you realized the distance between us was getting shorter you stood up.  
“I’m sorry.” You said before disappearing into the building.

I felt stupid and ridiculously in love.

Nothing happened after that. There were no hellos, no Bubble Teas and no arms touching accidentally.  
And the snow fell on us, covering everything, rotting what was under its body, making us forget what little we had build.  
It snowed for so long that the only color I could see was white, like your skin, like your nails that you dug into your hair when no one was watching you. Every grey morning I hoped to see spring through my window, I hoped to find the courage to hold your hand. All I could see was people burying themselves in thick scarves. All I could hear was your voice through Luhan’s telephone.

And then, the plum blossom in front of my room started to bloom, not afraid of the snow crystals smothering it. The pink petals reminded me that spring was coming and the hole in my chest seemed less deep. I remembered my mother’s words about those flowers: “The plum blossom most vividly represents the value of endurance, as life ultimately overcomes through the misfortunes of time.”

I decided to be patient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I don't really know how SM Entertainment actually works so the content about that in this chapter might not be correct and I apologize for it. If you are following this story and liked it please let me know, I would really appreciate it. By the way, in case you didn’t know, the Akhal Teke I mentioned at the start of the first chapter is the most beautiful horse in the world. You kind of know now why I compared it with a donkey… well you get the point. Thanks for reading, really, it means a lot. See you in the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Do you believe you're missing out?  
That everything good is happening somewhere else?  
But with nobody in your bed  
The night's hard to get through.  
-Brand New, Jesus Christ

 

It was hot. The sun never stopped burning for even a second. It dried my strength and it melted my muscles. Around me nothing but golden hot sand. Just sand for miles and miles, just desperation and fear. My shirt was soaking wet and my body couldn’t stop producing sweat. It made my skin itchy. I held water in my cupped burned hands. I traveled through the arid ocean, every step dragging me deeper into the sand. Tiny grains scratching my legs and warm water falling from my palms was all I could feel. I tried to ran but it didn’t matter how fast I went because the water was draining and the desert didn’t have an end. So I slowed down and looked at the palms of my hands: empty. A huge black hole was devouring the sand, making it disappear in its dark abyss. Everything was moving and I was being dragged by the ground, going towards a promise of darkness.

I could see myself giving up from far away. I could see my body succumb to the will of an unknown force, that wanted me to drown in a sea without water. My lungs started to fill with sand, making my throat burn, my eyes water. And in few seconds I disappeared, I became a tiny grain of sand and I couldn’t tell which one I was anymore.  
Then someone tipped the hourglass over. It was hot and the sun was burning bright above my head and I tried desperately to run again, towards a black hole that was eating everything.

\--

There was a night, in which sleep forgot to pay me a visit. We were in California, more precisely Anaheim. The sky was different from the one I was used looking at: there was a countless amount of stars. I asked them, once again, about you. I asked them if you missed me just as much as I missed you. They were wise, but silent. My quiet breath filled the air with loneliness. The silence was deafening, ears begging for your voice. Then a door closing could be heard in the distance. My bed was unmade, the sheets rumpled, my pillow too cold and I didn’t want to lay down anymore. I left my room with my pajama pants and a white t-shirt. The clouds made their appearance and hid the stars behind them.

Your bare feet didn’t leave weight marks on the carpet, there was no sign of you passing there, but I knew you walked down that corridor. Every wooden door was closed, hiding sleeping sounds behind them. There were no audible cracks, just slim fingers drying tears. Paintings I had never seen before were hanging on the beige walls. The golden frames seemed old just like the painters of those images. There were waterfalls, woods, dusty tables and chairs, angels and then there was you at the end of the hotel corridor.

You were not a painting. 

I knew you weren’t because no painter can reproduce the way your hair falls perfectly on your forehead. No artist can find the perfect pink of your lips. No sculptor can shape the marble to make it look like your shoulders and the bruises on them.  
I remember it hurt. It hurt looking at you cry. You looked so fragile while your arms hugged your legs and your face was buried in your knees, that I was afraid to touch you. I didn’t want your porcelain skin to crack but I was willing to gather your pieces and make you whole again. There was so much empty space next to you that I decided to put myself in between your body and the walls. When I sat next to you, you raised your head and looked at me. It wasn’t the you I knew. It wasn’t the Sehun who would run until out of breath to win a bet, it wasn’t the Sehun I wanted to kiss. In that moment you were the Sehun I wanted to fix.

Long black eyelashes held your tears and my fingers took them away , where they couldn’t hurt you. I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask you why you were crying and as I opened my mouth to speak you grabbed my wrist.  
“It doesn’t matter anymore;” You answered my silent question. “you’re here now.”

My chest started to get warmer as your head rested on my shoulder. I thought you were weird and that you weren’t crying because we had been apart from each other. But it was okay. I was okay as long as your skin was touching mine, as long as we were so close that we couldn’t tell our breaths apart, as long as you pronounced my name. Seconds passed and turned into minutes, which became hours. I could have stayed like that forever, inhaling the scent of your shampoo, tracing the veins on your wrist. Outside the wind cleared the sky and made the stars visible again. Back then, when we sat on that bench outside our dorm, I thought that no one was listening. But I was wrong. The stars were there and they heard my prayers.

“Stay with me tonight.” You said, your eyes not red anymore, your cheeks dry again. Something seemed to lit up behind your heavy eyelids when I nodded and put my hand around your waist. You were warm and I was not, because of anxiety, stress and tiredness.

I couldn’t see clearly because it was late night and the corridor wasn’t completely lit but we didn’t need the light where we were going. With a quick move, your hand pulled a card out of your pocket and with it, you opened your door and led me in. With the other hand, you never stopped holding my wrist. A voice in my head was desperately screaming, asking for my attention. Million words flew in my mind. A thousand of voices echoed inside my ears. And I remembered the insults, the laughs and the television news. The image of a young reporter talking to the cameras and a body laying next to her was all my mind’s eye could see. “They beat him to death.” She stated. “Because he was living with another guy.”

And I thought about you. You were such a free spirit and you didn’t care what people thought about you and I couldn’t stop picturing your body covered in blood on the streets. I was afraid. Then you laid your head on the white pillow that with your chocolate copper hair created a wonderful contrast.

I changed my mind.

You really looked liked a painting, one of those I wanted to see every day, one of those you never get tired of looking at, one of those that don’t have a price because they’re too valuable. One of those you want to steal and hide so it can be yours forever.  
Your dark eyes called me and so did your voice. I couldn’t resist anymore and I climbed on top of you, where I could see your tired smile. You ran your fingers through my hair as I started to place light kisses on your neck and your knee brushed against my crotch slowly. Shivers were send down my spine every time your hands touched my heated skin, every time your mouth let a moan escape. I wanted to leave marks on your skin as much as I wanted you to do the same to me. I wanted to look at myself in the mirror the next day and see that you were still on me. Quickly you got up, pushed me down on the bed and straddled my hips so that I couldn’t move. I watched you take your t-shirt off slowly and sport a teasing smile. I wanted to thrust up but you placed your hands on my stomach and pushed me deeper into the sheets. When I felt your hips roll down I couldn’t help but whine and bring my hands on them. You kept moving and my pants were becoming tighter and uncomfortable. Your hands were cold and my skin was burning.

I was so needy and impatient that you stopping every attempt I made to speed things up was driving me crazy. It didn’t matter that my voice was cracking and that I was desperately asking you to let me take care of our clothes, your hips never stopped moving and when your fisted your brown hair and thrust harder, my mind went blank and all I could do was surrender to you and enjoy every second of it.

I wasn’t expecting you to be this dominant, to ride me with our pants still on, to pull your hair and cover your mouth so that no one but me could hear you moan. But that’s what you did and you were hypnotizing. When I sat up and cupped your face in my hands and kissed you, I felt your body stiffen and lose weight two seconds later as you kissed me back. Our lips fitted against each other and our tongues explored. Our foreheads were touching and our sweat mixing. Then your hands were traveling under my t-shirt and down to my stomach. My breath stopped and I pulled away when a warm hand slid into my pants to stroke my cock. You looked at me with your mouth open as you started to move faster. My head was spinning and I felt like closing my eyes but I couldn’t lose even a second of you staring at me and smiling when I couldn’t help but moan your name softly.

The night went on like that, filled with noises and kisses and hands grabbing onto the sheets. The moans were sometimes replaced by names being whispered and sloppy kisses on shoulders. It felt amazing and looking at you after being so intimate wasn’t awkward like it had been with all the people I had had sex with.

We slept in your bed, back to chest, our legs intertwined. Well, at least you slept while I couldn’t take my eyes off the light purple bruises on your neck. I still couldn’t believe the whole thing and I pinched my arm a couple of times to check if you weren’t a product of a cruel dream.

You weren’t.

And you were sleeping in my arms, sharing your heat with me. I could have stayed like that forever. But when the sun sent its rays inside our world, I saw them burn my happiness down. The stars weren’t protecting us anymore and we had to pretend like it all never happened, and that’s what we did, in the morning, when people looked at your neck doubtfully. 

It was beyond difficult for me and it looked easy for you. I couldn’t stop myself from letting our arms brush and make it look like an accident. You never reacted to it. Your eyes were blank even when I put a hand on your shoulder and pulled you closer to me. It hurt like hell but I couldn’t blame you for doing the right thing even if I knew, deep in my heart, that it wasn’t.

\--

I don’t want to talk about the time in which we were apart from each other, in which I tried to distract myself from thinking about you, because it doesn’t matter. Our dorm was silent when there were no Baekhyun or Chanyeol playing videogames and screaming at each other, when there were no Jongin and Kyungsoo laughing out loud at stupid jokes, when there was no Sehun listening to horrible hip-hop music. Our activities in China were never tiring enough because at night I still had sufficient energy to stay up and think about you. And it was hard, it was so fucking hard to fall asleep knowing that in the morning I was not going to see your hair stain the white pillow. It was hard to fall asleep without having the sound of your breath fill the air.

When we started to promote our album as a whole, things changed. The fans liked when you were next to Luhan and you liked it as well. There were a few times in which I wanted to cry because of that, because you looked so happy and I couldn’t give you that because you would look at me only during the night and not when the lights were on. It was beyond painful to be so close to you, yet not enough to touch you or smell the scent of your skin. Your hair changed colors so many times but between my fingers they were always the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think yo yo


	4. The sun will rise and we will try again.

Sometimes when I look up,  
I see starts that cut trough the sky and fade quickly into nothingness  
and I pray that you aren’t as fleeting  
because when we’re lying in roads,  
I get the same feeling,  
that gravity will just turn off and I’ll fall endlessly into something much larger than I am.  
And I wonder if that’s what it feels like to die.   
I’d rather keep my mouth shut,   
than start to say what I can’t finish.   
-Flatsound, You said Okay.

It was finally spring. The air was warmer and flowers reminded us that something good will always rise from the ashes of something bad. The leaves were finally green again and butterflies liked to rest on petals, not longer tormented by rain. It was nice to breathe again. I wanted to sit on the grass and talk about stupid things with you but it was not possible since people could recognize us and turn what was meant to be a peaceful moment, in a living hell. 

Sometimes, well, let’s put this way, fans “love” us too much. Some of them used to scream at our faces and others liked to invade our personal space and it wasn’t good. One time, at the airport, these girls pushed so much that they made Luhan fall. It wasn’t pleasing but it was the price to pay in order to have our faces on every magazine, I guess.

You never liked nature so much. For you it was something nice to have around but never something vital. On the other hand, for me, having plants or flowers in brown simple vases was something I couldn’t live without. It was nice to see them prosper but it wasn’t to watch them lose color and wither. However it was something I had to deal with because things are beautiful until they’re not anymore but that doesn’t mean that withered flowers are less than the ones that just bloomed. I kept the colorless flowers between the pages of a book. I’m terribly cliché, I know, but I felt like they deserved to be remembered because before being memories they were life.

Junmyeon didn’t want me to keep plants in my room because he said it was bad for my health, due to the release of carbon dioxide. I didn’t care though, practicing everyday was what was really going to kill me, and not just me. 

Jongin was badly injured. His waist was giving him a lot of problems and also a lot of unbearable pain to the point that he needed to rest his arm on someone’s shoulder in order to walk. He never complained or asked for a couple of days to rest but, at night, I could hear him cry and complain with Kyungsoo. It seemed like he was the only one who was allowed to see Jongin being vulnerable. 

“No, I’m fine.” He firmly said when Yixing offered to get him to the hospital. “It will get better.” He added. 

Since you were close friends with Jongin I asked you if his injury was really going to get better and you answered that no, it was not going to. It was horrible to see him like that because we all knew how much dancing meant to him and none of us felt like forcing him to stop. But I tried nonetheless. I asked him to just take it easy for a week or so, avoiding practice and live events but he said that he could not stop.

“If I close my eyes, I can imagine myself dancing.” He whispered. “I can see my hands and legs move to the music beat.” He said, choosing each word with care .“But I don’t want to imagine it, I want to feel it.” It was the first time I had seen him shed tears. It hit me hard. 

On that day, I started to understand that boy who spent his free time dancing on his own, refining his moves, skipping meals to find a way to express himself superiorly every time. He didn’t care if someone was watching him or not. He didn’t care if someone didn’t like his style or the way he stomped his feet on the ground when he thought no one was looking at him.

Dancing was all he had. 

“I’d be happy to die onstage” I’ve heard him say one time. Our concern didn’t matter to him because nothing was stronger than his passion. So what we did was pretending we didn’t see him limping and we helped him walk when he needed.   
He was the one I looked at when I wanted to give up on EXO, when I was injured and felt like this whole thing wasn’t worth my blood. Jongin and Junmyeon were an inspiration for all of us. 

Despite the change of temperature, our dorm was freezing at night. My hands get cold easily and you know that. Your body is always warmer than mine and for that reason, I can leave the covers at the foot of the bed because when I lay down with you, I don’t need them. You said one time that you liked the fact that we had different body temperatures and that together we made the perfect one because our heat would mix and balance. 

Without you, I would have frozen to death.

When your part of the bed was empty, the air was always colder and I would dream about your chest and your slim waist, how it fitted perfectly between my hands. Waking up without you, was tough but by closing my eyes, I could picture your lips and I could hear you said “Good morning”. 

Sometimes I wondered if you did the same.

Because I needed that, I needed to think that I was not the only one to feel that way, because thinking of you thinking of me, was what saved me so many times from losing myself.

“So… you and Sehun are getting close uh?” I heard Yixing ask one Wednesday morning. He barely spoke but that didn’t mean that his eyes were not attentive or curious. In fact, he noticed everything. He knew when someone had eaten two snack bars instead of one, who had left his shoes in the way and who had screamed while playing videogames. But I guess we all knew that it was Baekhyun. It was always him. I miss his voice from time to time.

“I guess so.” I said trying to hide the fact that I was internally freaking out. I was afraid he had seen you walk out of my room one night. I didn’t want anyone to know because you wanted it that way.

“You know you can tell me anything right?”

“I know. There is nothing to say though.” I said, struggling to keep my voice steady.

“Okay.” I couldn’t look at him in the eyes and so I kept them fixed on Kyungsoo and Jongin sharing their meal. They were so open about their relationship and I was happy for them. Jongin was so obvious sometimes that I think everyone knew about them even before they were something. 

I guess not everyone is as brave as they seem. I wasn’t. 

I never asked for much. I just wanted to hold your hand while we watched movies together or walked on the streets but you didn’t want me to and I wasn’t audacious enough to just do it. I respected your decision but it was getting out of control.  
One night I stumbled upon a story written by fans, or a “fanfiction” as they call it. It was extremely well written and your description was flawless. It was about you and Luhan. I couldn’t even finish the first chapter that tears were already forming in my eyes. Did people really see you two as a couple? I was upset and hurt at the same time. 

“Yeah it’s kinda creepy.” You said when I asked you if you knew about that. And then you looked at me and smiled like you never did. It wasn’t one of those big smiles that changed your face, it wasn’t fake or teasing. It was… different and my heart seemed to skip a beat when I thought I could read ‘love’ in it. And you were looking at me with that smile and not at Luhan, and that evening you took my hand and took me in your bedroom. It felt like you wanted to reassure me in some way.

That time it felt different. It wasn’t quick like our usual sex, it wasn’t desperate or rough. Your mouth was gentle and your eyes always open and we took our time. We left the door unlocked and we didn’t mind.  
You asked me to go slow and I did, savoring every time your mouth opened after my thrust. There were no nails forming crescents on my back this time, no predatory eyes, no hands in your hair but rather on your face. I caressed your cheekbone with my thumb every time I felt like I wanted to say “I love you” but didn’t have the courage to. 

Your body was a work of art and sometimes it was incredible to believe that it was mine. I liked to trace your ribs with my fingers and touch every mole that stained your milky skin. Some nights I was afraid to touch you. You noticed once and took my hands in yours and started to guide me.

“I’m yours.” You said and I took you lips with my desperate ones, making our teeth almost clash. 

My lips weren’t desperate that evening because for the first time, I felt like I wasn’t going to lose you. My skin was suddenly confortable and there were no doubts fogging my mind.   
You gasped as I went harder and faster and for a second your eyes shut just to open again. The room was spinning and hot air was invading my lugs. You moaned my name once and then twice and then I lost count. My eyes were full of you and so was my head. Your back arched a few times until your body was too tired to even move.   
I could tell you were close and even thought it pleased me that your body was trembling because of me, I didn’t want it to end. However it did, just like every good thing- unfortunately- does. White strings on my chest, sweat on your forehead, our hearts beating like drums. It was crazy and we were in love.

It seemed like that day couldn’t get any better but it turned out I was wrong. What you said hit me like a high-speed train. And I wished it would hit me again and again. 

“I love you” You whispered, as if it were something to keep secret, because in the end, it was, but not between us. Not anymore. 

I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I felt like I was too weak because I had been meaning to tell that but didn’t have the guts to. And there you were, a 20 years old boy, lying on my sheets, pouring out his heart to me. You started blinking fast and looked away. I, after one minute, realized my silence was haunting the room and I thought I heard something break. 

It was your heart. 

I loved you with every ounce of my being, yet I couldn’t say it out loud. And I’m sorry Sehun, I am so sorry because I know that all you wanted to hear was that yes, I loved you too, but all you heard was your heart falling to pieces. Now you know it, you know that I’d do anything for you, you know that I’d set fire to myself just to keep you warm but I want to make sure that you also know that I would have done that since the beginning.   
I kissed you because maybe it was easier for me to show love with actions. Because maybe I would have felt less guilty. Your black eyes hid your pain so poorly that when I hugged you, I felt a tear hit my shoulder. I hugged you harder so that I could squeeze sorrow out of your body. But it didn’t leave you and I could see it torturing you every day.

I think not saying it, is my biggest regret so far. 

I love you Sehunnie. I’m sorry I’m an idiot. I love you.

\---------------

Morning came and brought with it a long list of activities. You were quiet for a couple of days but then things started to get back to normal and you seemed not to mind about us being too obvious. I know you forgave me and I know you still remember. You understood what I felt and I’m grateful that you didn’t leave me. 

We had interviews in bright white rooms with questionably funny hosts, we attended boring events and sat next to celebrities from all over Asia, our new album won and some of us cried. Jongin cried and we all laughed because we knew he was happy and somehow relieved. Yixing cried as well and I could see he was the happiest he has ever been. He called his family, every single one of them and they all said nice words to the members, in Chinese, leaving most of the guys unsure about what they actually said. Junmyeon bought us dinner and Chanyeol made us want to spit it out after telling one of his weird horror stories. Baekhyun’s laugh was so high that Kyungsoo was close to punching him in the face a couple of times and Minseok and Jongdae pretended they didn’t know us more than a couple of times. 

We were so young and for the first time in our life, it felt like we were doing the right thing. 

As we got back home I told Yixing about you and me and he smiled (I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner). He tried to act surprised but I know he wasn’t. Maybe I was a little drunk and I should have been careful but I don’t regret revealing our secret to him. After all, I knew he was going to keep it.

And then, one day, you let me hold your hand. And the day after that, you let touch your arm and then your shoulders, waist, face. Day by day it felt like things were becoming real, like it was okay to show how much we cared about each other. 

I was terribly wrong.

Our manager told us to keep it down. He said he didn’t know what was going on but that he didn’t like it. The staff members did all they could to keep us as far as they could from each other. 

It made me angry. 

One night, after checking if someone was around and learning that I was alone, I broke my knuckles on the wall. I didn’t tell anyone. It was frustrating because it didn’t matter how hard and for how long I punched that wall, it didn’t move. I guess that’s exactly what happened with our manager. I didn’t actually punch him but it didn’t matter how many times I prayed him to leave us be, he didn’t listen. 

It was nice to be back in my room, the familiar warmth and smell welcoming me. When I saw you sleeping in my bed I made a promise to myself. I was going to do anything I had to, even what I couldn’t afford, to make you stay. It took me too much time but I somehow managed to show you I cared. To show you I loved you. 

Using your sleepy sounds as a lullaby, I tried to fall asleep. You are so gorgeous when you sleep and I couldn’t help myself.

“I love you.” I said. The words laid on your pillow, next to your ear and stayed there for a bit. I looked at you for a couple of minutes and then joined you into Morpheus’ arms. I dreamed about a house, a wooden one and a tiny white dog. You were there, welcoming me with arms wide open. 

We were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry that this one is short as well but school is taking a lot of my time so yeah, it’s hard. I don’t know when I’ll be able to even think about the next chapter but I’ll do my best. Hope you liked it and yes Jongin might be my bias, who told you??? ^_^ As always let me know if there are mistakes or something I should change. Also, let me know if you liked it. Comments make me so happy!! But anyway, have a nice day and thanks for reading. ;)


End file.
